Beginning with the ridiculous cover story distributed in the media in the early morning hours of Murky Friday, PGA golfer and celebrity extraordinaire Tiger Woods has seen his life turned upside down in the days since.
Yes, 2009 was a tough year for Tiger Woods. Tiger won no PGA majors this year. The rehab from the 2008 knee injury. The early morning crash. The ensuing furor. The police investigation. The drip, drip, drip from more mistresses being identified. Sending your mother-in-law to the hospital with stomach pains. Ok, so it wasn’t ALL bad.
Before that fateful day, most of the public would have thought a Uchitel was a motel chain with hourly rates owned by Bob Uecker.
However, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods has no one to blame but the man in the mirror. Given the fact that Tiger Woods’ estranged wife Elin Nordegren is European, from Sweden no less, one might surmise that such dalliances are just part of daily life across the pond.
Powerful was made of a former French Prime Minister’s funeral a few years ago at which the man’s wife and mistress were seated together, paying their last respects.
Here’s a Tiger Woods joke for you: what do they call a man with 16 mistresses in Sweden? An under achiever.
With the days of 2009 and this decade dwindling down to a few, here are ten Current Year’s resolutions for Tiger Woods.
10. Tiger Woods 2010 New Year’s Resolution
Get a new driver. I don’t mean the golf club used to hit the ball off a tee on par fours and fives.
9. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
Don’t purchase marital advice from fellow PGA golfer John Daly. That would be akin to taking financial advice from Bernie Madoff or advice on your golf swing from Charles Barkley.
8. Tiger Woods 2010 New Year’s Resolution
Hire a political firm to handle your public relations. Really, you didn’t expect anyone to absorb that “cock and bull” story about Elin Nordegren breaking out the rear window of your Cadillac Escalade to “rescue you from being trapped inside” did you? Surely someone on your staff could do better than that!
Unbiased waddle out the political guru who came up with that “youthful indiscretion” line about former Congressman Henry Hyde’s adulterous affair. Never mind that Hyde was nearly 50 at the time…Or the guy who came up with Larry Craig’s “wide stance” line when the worn Idaho Senator was playing footsy with an undercover cop in a public bathroom.
7. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
Switch to a regular shaft from the stiff shaft. Again, I don’t mean your golf clubs…
6. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
Remember the aged golf saying: “drive for show, and putt for dough.” Follow the ad for Greyhound bus, “leave the driving to us.” Thanks to your putting around with cocktail waitresses and pancake hostesses, Elin Nordegren will be handling the dough section.
5. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
Don’t get into an airplane with Nike honcho Phil Knight. Knight recently said your problems were but a “blip on the radar camouflage.” …It’s obvious that Knight can’t read radar, so he probably flies a plane like you drive a car.
4. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
With all those lost endorsements such as Gatorade and Tag Heuer, contemplate doing a viagra ad with Bob Dole. The two of you could be on the green reading a putt. A lovely young lady could drive up with a drink cart.
Dole could say something like: “Bob Dole has a pretty good up and down game, don’t leave it short, Tiger.”
To which Tiger Woods retorts: Yeah, Bob, like you told me, never up, never in.”
3. Tiger Woods 2010 New Years Resolution
Petition the PGA to include fire hydrants as “water hazards.” If you happen to obtain knocked out by an errant club, just hope you aren’t lying next to a fire hydrant if there are any dogs in the gallery.
2. Tiger Woods 2010 Modern Years Resolution
Get a female personal assistant and make sure they’re trained as a first responder. If you’re in trouble in a trap on the course and Elin Nordegren shows up with her “rescue club”, you don’t want caddie Steve Williams to be the one doing the mouth to mouth afterwards.
1. Tiger Woods 2010 Novel Years Resolution
If you’re going to continue to think with the outrageous head, at least exhaust a “head mask.”
As many know, Tiger Woods’ mom in from Thailand and part Chinese. 2010 is the Year Of The Tiger according to the Chinese calandar. The Chinese New Year commences…the day after Valentine’s Day. You can’t make this stuff up…
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